The Angry Phase

They say anger is one of the stages of grief. I thought this had passed me by–but perhaps not. I know my mother definitely had a lot of misguided anger after my father passed away. My mom definitely wasn’t shy about dumping her anger on her kids. I’ve tried to be much more cautious about sharing my messy feelings with my children.

I recently took a small vacation. Vacations were one of the times where the differences between my husband and I were more noticeable. I am a spend all day on the beach kind of a girl. He was a spend some time on the beach and then do ten other things on that same day. I liked to try the exotic local restaurant–he was a little pickier. I liked to fly when possible–he’d rather drive. He’d scramble up some rocky mountainside trail with the agility of a cat. I would slowly make my way up that same trail praying I wouldn’t sprain an ankle.

Planning my little vacation—I only needed to take my own preferences into account. What freedom! I could go at my own speed and eat where I wanted.

Mostly I relished the experience. Then at the end I experienced some feelings of frustration. No one to have a late night dinner with at the cute little bar/restaurant by your hotel. For the most part I don’t mind doing things solo when I travel. But there were couples everywhere—it bothered me with an intensity I hadn’t felt before.

I would say that mostly I have accepted the path I am traveling. I thought I was doing so well. I think a lot of little things contributed to my feelings of loneliness. Loneliness morphed into self pity. Self pity morphed into anger. Anger definitely won’t get me anywhere but those feelings flickered through my mind. An angry “why me” at an uncaring universe.

7 responses to “The Angry Phase”

  1. I like to think I’m pretty self contained and don’t really need company to feel comfortable. I’ve had Covid this past week and I’ve been mostly by myself. Know what? I’m lonely. I think it’s really cool that you went off on vacation alone and I’m not surprised that you struggled with self pity. Being in a new environment makes me yearn for something familiar. Without it, I’d feel sorry for myself too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hope you are feeling better. I am an introvert and also consider myself self contained. My feelings definitely surprised me.
      Hope your experience with COVID wasn’t too bad.


      1. My symptoms were really light and gone now. The only trouble I’m having is when I try to do active things (bicycle, kayak, etc).

        Liked by 1 person

  2. All your feelings are ok, even if it doesn’t seem that way. You’re still adjusting. Be easy on yourself

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My experience in the past year (my first year of ‘widowhood’ 😦 ) is that one day anger, one day numb, one day panic, one day worry, another day hatred. It all goes round in weird shapes like on a spirograph. And every so often, I get a nice new emotion that I hadn’t even thought of, popping out of the blue. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Very well said. I remember the spirograph! My feelings and emotions have been crashing about since I wrote this post.
    Best wishes on your journey, thanks for stopping by and commenting.


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