The Widow's Fables

They say anger is one of the stages of grief. I thought this had passed me by–but perhaps not. I know my mother definitely had a lot of misguided anger after my father passed away. My mom definitely wasn’t shy about dumping her anger on her kids. I’ve tried to be much more cautious about sharing my messy feelings with my children.

I recently took a small vacation. Vacations were one of the times where the differences between my husband and I were more noticeable. I am a spend all day on the beach kind of a girl. He was a spend some time on the beach and then do ten other things on that same day. I liked to try the exotic local restaurant–he was a little pickier. I liked to fly when possible–he’d rather drive. He’d scramble up some rocky mountainside trail with the agility of a cat. I would slowly make my way up that same trail praying I wouldn’t sprain an ankle.

Planning my little vacation—I only needed to take my own preferences into account. What freedom! I could go at my own speed and eat where I wanted.

Mostly I relished the experience. Then at the end I experienced some feelings of frustration. No one to have a late night dinner with at the cute little bar/restaurant by your hotel. For the most part I don’t mind doing things solo when I travel. But there were couples everywhere—it bothered me with an intensity I hadn’t felt before.

I would say that mostly I have accepted the path I am traveling. I thought I was doing so well. I think a lot of little things contributed to my feelings of loneliness. Loneliness morphed into self pity. Self pity morphed into anger. Anger definitely won’t get me anywhere but those feelings flickered through my mind. An angry “why me” at an uncaring universe.